Category Archives: Social

Posts about social situations and their implications

“That’s not Paleo!”

This is one of my favorite topics ever! I just love hearing about how something “isn’t Paleo”; you can be assured I won’t swear my face off about this.

Yeah fucking right. It’s time to go Beastmode.

Yes, that is a thing. STFU a second.

My answer when confronted with the “cavemen didn’t eat that”/ “there’s no such thing as a ‘Paleo Diet'”/ “that’s not Paleo” sort of half-baked dumbass shit depends on which kind of idiot is saying it: do you just not have the time/ mental fortitude to read? Did you actually think that was a reasonable argument? Or are you an asshat trying to get a rise outa’ me?

In the first case, feel free to come on back when you’re willing to put in the same effort reading as you do whining. There are plenty of people, myself included, who’ve made it clear: this is not re-enacting. In the second, realize that we’re here to pass on sound health advice, not argue the details of human evolution (I’m not sure but that MIGHT have been in the disclaimer). In the third? Fine, you got your rise, now talk to the intro, douche-bag.

I’m too busy not having heart attacks and diabetes to deal with each of you, one at a time. Sorry, but fit people just have too much else to do: eat meat, lift heavy shit, be fuckable, DESTROMINATE, have sex, eat meat, be liked… among other things. We’re even good at grooming:

EPIC!

By the way, I sometimes have to hear related shit from a N00B-client or N00B-friend: “so-and-douchebag said that my hamburger wasn’t Paleo!” My response? “FUCK. THEM.” Guys, you should have known to ignore this POS when it first opened its bread-hole. Stop listening. You really need advice, Mr. /Ms. well-meaning and confused? Here you go: HTFU, or you get the WOLFSLAP.

That is all.

Mori

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Rundown on Booze

I have contributed very very little to the Paleo world. I don’t mind it being pointed out, even in the slightest: I came late to the party, I steal stuff from dudes all over the ‘nets, I have no qualification to lend credibility to my name…

My contribution, friends, is essentially limited to asking the question that lead to Robb Wolf‘s single most famous statement about alcohol. If you don’t know it already, you should: “Drink enough to maximize your sex life without limiting performance.” Perfect, right?

Yeah, that’s us!

What we’re looking for in all of this eat-to-be-healthy stuff is balance, specifically the balance that Robb is pointing out. I want you to not damage yourself with alcohol; that said, I don’t want you to ignore the fun of life by avoiding it completely, either (if you enjoy it). Further, there are ways to enjoy alcohol that make it more fun and less… regrettable. Six simple tips to drinking:

1) Drink early, if you can. Yeah, I know, I sound like a complete lush saying this, but starting in on tipsy-time around noon, and arriving back somewhere close to sober by bed time is just about perfect, as it saves you the disrupted sleep that characterizes late-evening drinking. Bad sleep = bad. It may also save you from some poor food choices.

2) Drink distilled (clear) liquor: tequila, scotch, shochu, gin, rum, tequila, whiskey or tequila, thus avoiding the liquid calories in fermented drinks, and especially the gluten in beer.

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YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

3) Drinking fizzy stuff helps alcohol along to the brain (which in theory means you’ll need less). More chemistry = drunker, quicker, cheaper and with fewer consequences*. True story.

4) Added sugar = added bad. Now, if you’re not losing sleep over it then I’m not going to, but sugar in things like Mojitos, rum and cokes and my darling Margarita is an issue to be conscious of for those trying to lose weight. By the way… if you don’t want to drink, don’t fucking drink. Duh.

Related note: don’t excuse your wussy drink because it was made with a “zero calorie” sweetener. Either enjoy it, sugar and all, or don’t. “Zero calorie” just means “tastes bad and may give you cancer”. Yeah, alright fine, if you really like that diet-fruit-color-drink, go for it. Make sure it matches your purse, though.

5) Drink with lemon or lime, as they help to control blood sugar. They also taste amazing, so… you’re welcome.

6) If you can, try to finish your ‘imbibery’ with a protein and fat snack: the two, eaten before bed, help restore melatonin and human growth hormone production, improving sleep quality and recovery.

Finally, six hangover cures that may, or may not, have worked for me in the past:

1) Water.  Obviously.

2) Coffee: pretty good for headaches and “moving things along”, intestinally-speaking.

3) Eggs. Protein and fat seem to help restart the all-systems.  Actually, eggs are pretty good anytime, just ask Chris Masterjohn.

4) Cold Shower.

5) Exercise at 70% perceived intensity for 30-minutes-ish. You know, if I can.

6) Suffer.

*When I say fewer consequences, I mean fewer consequences for non-morons, that is people who don’t take drinking as an excuse to be a douche-bag or a creeper, people who don’t try to drive when drunk, etc. For the idiots of the world, you’re on your own. I’d say sorry, but I’m not.

Yoroshu ni,

Mori

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(picture courtesy of PVCNav)

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